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My neighbors called the cops on me 2 days ago. Apparently I was yelling so loud that the whole neighborhood could hear me. I had to stay away from anything electronic for 2 days to even get my blood pressure down to a human level.

So I set my house on fire. Just another example of why I fucking hate this game. Also, you might notice that your eyes aren’t trying to turn back and look away. That’s because I got a texture pack. Took me a bit to figure out but it’s worth it. It looks better… but it’s still minecraft. 

So I’m trying to go find a new spot so I can continue to live my miserable life, when SUDDENLY…

Skeletons. Except these fuckers didn’t come after me…

A 3 year old could script better AI. Anyway, I continue my journey and come upon this little bitch. The last thing I’d want to do is spend more time on this game, and it ruined my shelter. I will get revenge.

OH GOD WHAT

JESUS FUCK WHAT WAS THAT?

That zombie just fucking suicide bombed. I thought this was minecraft, not Al Qaeda: The Game. Anyw- GOD DAMN IT.

I didn’t think hard mode would be this hard. Jesus.

Oh shit. Sun’s coming up.

OH GOD, FIRE SKELETON WHAT THE FUCK?

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Home sweet home.

Time to get a in-house volcano, for warmth.

Right here will do.

Nice and cozy!

Spreading out a little bit too much…

WOAH! I have no fucking room in here! What kind of volcano physics are these?

What the fuck?

Oh god what!

No.

NO.

NO.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I.

I…

B-

W

Fuck minecraft.

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Time to go explore that darkness.

Well, that is if this fucking pig will get out of my way.

I punched the living shit out of that pig and some floating uterus things popped out.

I picked them up but realized I didnt want them, so when I went to put them down, it disappeared and my health went up. I might have ate it, but of course there is no eating animation.

Alright. Well at least I have some of my health back. It’s surprising that a game like this has an eating mechanic. Time to continue down (like this games sales) this darkness.

What the fuck?

I hit these blocks and they just shrank. Thats real fucking stupid.

Well. That was stupid. I’m going home.

I looked up those tan rock things and its iron.

Yeah.

I learned that to use iron, you need to make an oven. I thought this was minecraft, not cooking mama. I need weapons, not pasta.

This makes sense. Coal + Iron = Iron? What happens to the coal? I’m losing my items. This game has more bugs than a jungle.

Time to explore with my fresh new axe.

Jesus. Christ.

It’s a volcano apparently. It looks nothing like a volcano, but I understand, lazy developers. Just kidding. I don’t understand. If you’re going to make a game, make it right.

Online it says that if I take the lava with a bucket, I can move it. That’s so dumb. Have you ever heard of someone moving a volcano?

I must have clicked like 500 times and it’s not going into my bucket. Figures.

Aha. I hit the volcanos weak spot after like an hour.

Maybe I should put a volcano in my house…

That would be cool alright.

Not right now though. I feel like all this minecraft is giving me a brain tumor.

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Time to start working on my cool house so I can hide from monsters and this games graphics.

You misplace one block and you have to wait 10 seconds to demolish it. There should at least be CTRL + Z.

It’s getting dark and the house is wide open. There should be a door that you can craft. What a lazy developer. Did he ever think, “hey, monsters are going to walk right into the players house!”

Ok ok. My bad. I just learned that you can make doors. The developer is still an idiot though. Some items just don’t craft.

I just found a site that tells you all the formulas. I think it’s cheating but I couldn’t care less. This game cheated me out of my spare time. So now I have a door.

Damn, that door looks stupid as fuck. Nice job.

The website tells me that I can use stone to make my axe stronger. It has a graphic glitch though. I KNOW. MINECRAFT HAS A GRAPHIC GLITCH? SHOCKING! When you get stone, then put it back, it looks all corrupt and glitched. Nice coding.

Not any stronger. Why would I expect it to work?

These stones have black dots on them. That makes no sense.

Stones don’t even pop out, some shit looking black thing came out instead.

WOW. I jumped from the black shit area and now look at my health. I didn’t fucking break my legs, god damn.

Oh, the site tells me that the black shit is coal. And apparently you make fire with them. Ok, not too bad. I find it funny how the notch knew his own game was too dark so he had to put lights in it. Typical. Well my house is looking good*.

*Just kidding, nothing in this game can possibly look good.

Look at this fucking cool roof.

Hey… what’s that in the distance?

I appear to have found some sort of darkness pit. I’ll go into it next time. I need to play some MW2. This game gives me fucking headaches.

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Last week was my birthday. My friend decided to gift me minecraft. I guess I forgot to tell him that minecraft is the epitome of shitty pc games and I would never play it. Immediately I asked if it was returnable. It isn’t. Good one, nitch.

He got mad at me and said that he wouldn’t talk to me until I liked it. I don’t need him though. I have so many friends, it isn’t even funny.

So today I’m going to start playing this semen infested shit that they call minecraft. 

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I knew the graphics supposed to be bad. HURR IM GONA MAKE A GMAE WIT H LEGO BLOSK AND NES GRAPHIX. Fucking hipster indie developers. At least TRY to make your game look like you didn’t spend 2 minutes on the graphics.

Effort.

So I’m supposed to hit trees or something. I stopped in the middle of my tracks when I saw this. Nice physics…

Wow. Thats my guy? I think I can change classes later or something because I saw pictures of people that don’t look like this.

I can’t look for a spot to set up my house without my eyes bleeding. Seriously.

I’ll set up here. It’s closed in so I don’t have to look at those ugly fucking trees.

I think I need an axe to cut down trees for my house. I’m not using a strategy guide. I haven’t figured out the formula. This is fucking stupid.

So I figured out how to make it all on my own, and just when I go to cut more trees, this happens. 

I can’t see shit! I thought it might be the brightness settings, so I check there. No brightness settings. Wow. I’m playing on hard mode, and I cant have monsters raping me because I can’t see anything.

The stars are dots. Why doesn’t this surprise me…

OH GOD HERE WE GO. TIME TO FIGHT SOMETHING.

Wow. It took me like 50 hits to kill him, I didn’t let him hit me back because I am good. He kept making this static noise when I hit him. Please fix this. Look at all this damage on my axe. They should make the tools more durable. Seriously.

WOW. ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHING. This thing isn’t even faster than your hands. What a rip off.

So I decided to punch all the trees. That shit took me what felt like a decade. What a boring fucking game.

Before.

After.

I should get some sort of award for putting up with all of that shit. Now I have a lot of wood.

Well that’s simply too much shitcraft for one sitting. I’ll finish my house when I get my eyes replaced. They bled too much. So my rating for minecraft after playing it for the first time is 0/10. 

Pros

+Nothing

Cons

-Everything