Last week was my birthday. My friend decided to gift me minecraft. I guess I forgot to tell him that minecraft is the epitome of shitty pc games and I would never play it. Immediately I asked if it was returnable. It isn’t. Good one, nitch.
He got mad at me and said that he wouldn’t talk to me until I liked it. I don’t need him though. I have so many friends, it isn’t even funny.
So today I’m going to start playing this semen infested shit that they call minecraft.
I knew the graphics supposed to be bad. HURR IM GONA MAKE A GMAE WIT H LEGO BLOSK AND NES GRAPHIX. Fucking hipster indie developers. At least TRY to make your game look like you didn’t spend 2 minutes on the graphics.
So I’m supposed to hit trees or something. I stopped in the middle of my tracks when I saw this. Nice physics…
Wow. Thats my guy? I think I can change classes later or something because I saw pictures of people that don’t look like this.
I can’t look for a spot to set up my house without my eyes bleeding. Seriously.
I’ll set up here. It’s closed in so I don’t have to look at those ugly fucking trees.
I think I need an axe to cut down trees for my house. I’m not using a strategy guide. I haven’t figured out the formula. This is fucking stupid.
So I figured out how to make it all on my own, and just when I go to cut more trees, this happens.
I can’t see shit! I thought it might be the brightness settings, so I check there. No brightness settings. Wow. I’m playing on hard mode, and I cant have monsters raping me because I can’t see anything.
The stars are dots. Why doesn’t this surprise me…
OH GOD HERE WE GO. TIME TO FIGHT SOMETHING.
Wow. It took me like 50 hits to kill him, I didn’t let him hit me back because I am good. He kept making this static noise when I hit him. Please fix this. Look at all this damage on my axe. They should make the tools more durable. Seriously.
WOW. ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHING. This thing isn’t even faster than your hands. What a rip off.
So I decided to punch all the trees. That shit took me what felt like a decade. What a boring fucking game.
I should get some sort of award for putting up with all of that shit. Now I have a lot of wood.
Well that’s simply too much shitcraft for one sitting. I’ll finish my house when I get my eyes replaced. They bled too much. So my rating for minecraft after playing it for the first time is 0/10.